I’m laying on the couch on a Friday night in my jammies with food poisoning, after what was a fun yet frustrating day.
I can’t really get into what I’m going through at work, but suffice it to say I am really proud of myself, and feel I’ve earned my “punk rock” stripes. I’m fighting for something I believe was a injustice to me, and I’m refusing to back down from it. People don’t expect that from empaths who also battle depression and self esteem issues, especially those who mask what they feel by working extremely hard. They thought I would take it with my tail between my legs, but enough is enough. I know my worth in a work capacity, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to let anyone treat me unfairly. No matter how much of a struggle it is to love yourself, never let someone take away your voice or accomplishment. Always fight for what you think is right.
In other news, this weekend the game I met Snake on is free. Our mutual friend wanted to play it, but I feel wrong about it. Not in the sense of me missing him, or because it’ll hurt to play without him, I just feel like I’m not there. It feels counterproductive to my current stage of healing, where-in I am simultaneously working on myself and my marriage. Though he says he wouldn’t mind, I find it hard to believe that playing the game that almost ended us wouldn’t sting my husband. Had things with Snake worked out, today was the day we planned to spend time together again. I would love to say I don’t ever think of him, or certain aspects of our time together, but I do. The universe still sends me reminders that I either ignore or allow myself to think in the moment. I mostly think of whether or not he’s thinking of me as well, or if he feels like he lost everything when he lost me. It is strange to not feel compassion for him, or anything else. The thoughts are purely thoughts, which I can live with far more than feelings for him.
My husband and I are trying to stay on track, but it’s been difficult. From my experience with Snake, I learned mostly that I have needs in the relationship. I know who I am, what I want, what my strengths are, what my weaknesses are, and what I need to work on to be successful in life and in love. I find myself willing to try, but hesitant because the effort is not reciprocated. I logically know he cares about me, but he doesn’t know how to effectively communicate either verbally or physically, which often leads me to feel neglected and hurt. I spoke to a friend the other day whose son is on the spectrum, and she firmly believes my husband is as well. We took a test online, and the results showed he most likely is. Its freaking him out, but I’d rather know so that things I’m taking so personally suddenly won’t seem personal. I wish he’d research and explore the possibility, but I guess in due time. I can’t force that on him. I just want to both try our best, because right now it feels the way it did before Snake, which is why Snake happened to begin with.
Tomorrow I go for a consultation to start my sleeve tattoo! It is going to be Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind related, to mark and hopefully bring closure to this insane chapter of my life. My appointment for the actual piece is June 20th. Looking very much forward to some physical pain that will produce a beautiful outcome.
Sweet dreams my lovelies… hopefully I’ll have some art on here soon. 💜