Assume Everybody Will Betray You And You Will Never Be Disappointed.

Greetings!

I’m laying on the couch on a Friday night in my jammies with food poisoning, after what was a fun yet frustrating day.

I can’t really get into what I’m going through at work, but suffice it to say I am really proud of myself, and feel I’ve earned my “punk rock” stripes. I’m fighting for something I believe was a injustice to me, and I’m refusing to back down from it. People don’t expect that from empaths who also battle depression and self esteem issues, especially those who mask what they feel by working extremely hard. They thought I would take it with my tail between my legs, but enough is enough. I know my worth in a work capacity, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to let anyone treat me unfairly. No matter how much of a struggle it is to love yourself, never let someone take away your voice or accomplishment. Always fight for what you think is right.

In other news, this weekend the game I met Snake on is free. Our mutual friend wanted to play it, but I feel wrong about it. Not in the sense of me missing him, or because it’ll hurt to play without him, I just feel like I’m not there. It feels counterproductive to my current stage of healing, where-in I am simultaneously working on myself and my marriage. Though he says he wouldn’t mind, I find it hard to believe that playing the game that almost ended us wouldn’t sting my husband. Had things with Snake worked out, today was the day we planned to spend time together again. I would love to say I don’t ever think of him, or certain aspects of our time together, but I do. The universe still sends me reminders that I either ignore or allow myself to think in the moment. I mostly think of whether or not he’s thinking of me as well, or if he feels like he lost everything when he lost me. It is strange to not feel compassion for him, or anything else. The thoughts are purely thoughts, which I can live with far more than feelings for him.

My husband and I are trying to stay on track, but it’s been difficult. From my experience with Snake, I learned mostly that I have needs in the relationship. I know who I am, what I want, what my strengths are, what my weaknesses are, and what I need to work on to be successful in life and in love. I find myself willing to try, but hesitant because the effort is not reciprocated. I logically know he cares about me, but he doesn’t know how to effectively communicate either verbally or physically, which often leads me to feel neglected and hurt. I spoke to a friend the other day whose son is on the spectrum, and she firmly believes my husband is as well. We took a test online, and the results showed he most likely is. Its freaking him out, but I’d rather know so that things I’m taking so personally suddenly won’t seem personal. I wish he’d research and explore the possibility, but I guess in due time. I can’t force that on him. I just want to both try our best, because right now it feels the way it did before Snake, which is why Snake happened to begin with.

Tomorrow I go for a consultation to start my sleeve tattoo! It is going to be Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind related, to mark and hopefully bring closure to this insane chapter of my life. My appointment for the actual piece is June 20th. Looking very much forward to some physical pain that will produce a beautiful outcome.

Sweet dreams my lovelies… hopefully I’ll have some art on here soon. 💜

I’m Mister Meeseeks, Look At Me!

My husband had to leave work abruptly due to coming down with food poisoning. Like a good wife, we went to the store, and while he rested in the car, I shopped for the ultimate collection of get well soon groceries. Being the kitchen witch I am, I make the most amazing homemade spicy garlic chicken and pasta soup from scratch that will knock any illness right out, so I’ve gotten right to work on that.

It makes me stop and think about the fact that I somehow thrive on taking care of people. I love to do nice things, go above and beyond, and do my best for those I care about. I especially like taking care of people who can’t take care of themselves. I have a savior complex. I’m not so sure it’s healthy, but it makes me feel good. I just like being useful I guess. Anyone else feel like this?

In any event, still working on my illustrations, but it’s been kind of slow. I find that when I feel I am forcing myself to create, I get burnt out doing it way too quickly.

I’m Freezin, I’m Starvin’, I’m Bleedin’ To Death Everything’s Fine!!!

What an ironic phrase to name this post, as my mom and I used to rock out to the song Mother Mother by Tracy Bonham back in the day together. Little did I know, the lyrics would resonate with me so well…

One of the greatest casualties to the temporary insanity that was my time with Snake was the straining and ultimate loss of my relationship with my Mother. She would judge me throughout the relationship, say things that were hurtful about me and him (I defended him like an idiot), refused to believe me when I told her of my husband’s past abusive behaviors even though he confirmed it for me, and slut shamed me every time I talked to her even though I had no affair. My husband and I collectively decided to pump the breaks on us. He was fully aware every step of the way. We spoke about it either being the end of us or the beginning of a better relationship down the road if we learned to appreciate each other through being apart. It didn’t matter. I was the whore hurting my poor husband who did no wrong. That’s incredibly damaging to someone. To open up about abuse and get slut shamed and denied by your Mother, who has also suffered abuse at the hands of her husband. This is why so many of us don’t speak up. The worst part is, I am a survivor of sexual abuse from when I was a child, which I will post about at a later date. Why would I lie about something she knows for a fact I have been through before?

Anywho, at the completion of the relationship as you know, I was at rock bottom. My BDD was out of control, and every second of every day was a struggle. She would just scream at me and tell me to grow up. To move on. She would say she was disappointed in how weak I was, knowing I suffer from depression and that my weakness was just as physical as it was mental. She didn’t care. She doesn’t get it. This is a woman who I can say I am feeling suicidal to, only for her to tell me to grow up before hanging up on me. That’s actually how we left our last conversation, well over a week ago.

So I stopped forcing it. I stopped calling her, stopped trying, and stopped giving into the bullshit. I am in a rebuilding place and even though I am FAR BEYOND over him and what he did to me, the overall stress, pain, anxiety, and the feeling of picking up my emotional and mental pieces are all still there. I can’t afford to have contact with anyone who is going to put me down right now, especially my own Mother. That’s not healthy for me, and at 60 years old, she needs to learn how to treat me. I’ve let her get away with it for too long now. I don’t understand how your last conversation with your child was them talking about how they struggle daily to stay alive, and you screaming at what a psycho they are before hanging up on them. How can you leave it like that and not at least check in? I live 3000 miles away!

Then this morning, my Father calls me to tell me he saw her yesterday, she’s in bad shape, and she is devastated that she hasn’t heard from me. He guilts me into calling her, the way only a Sicilian father can do. I called her 3x, and this woman DOESN’T EVEN ANSWER THE PHONE FOR ME! I told him I was done, the ball’s in her court. I’m not going to be guilt tripped to reach out only to be rejected. That’s not right.

My Mother and her Mother had an on again off again toxic relationship. I keep telling her I don’t want to end up like that, yet here we are. I am unfortunately at the point now where I feel like she’s too much for me to handle right now despite me wanting to respect her as the person who gave me life. Like I’ve said previously, it’s so hard for me to write people off emotionally, but with me writing Snake off, I know now I’m at least capable of it. I think I need to just take care of myself for now. If she wants to reach out the door is at least ajar for the time being.

Suffocate

I wasn’t planning on posting anymore tonight, but I need an outlet for how I’m feeling.

I feel trapped and suffocated. My husband came home and tried to plan out our whole evening. I hate when he does this. He has been doing it all weekend, knowing it makes me feel on edge. Hes known from the get go that my time off is my time off, I hate having it planned out for me. It puts unnecessary pressure on me when all I want to do is relax and go with the flow.

I’m trying to do right by me. I am in recovery from a really bad time in my life. Works hard, my family beyond the one I live with is pretty much non existent, save for my dad who has been checking in, and I’m uncomfortable around my husband because he has no consideration for how his actions affect me.This is why I left in the first place. You would think after 8 years with someone, they would know what makes you tick. It’s like he doesn’t know and doesn’t care. No matter how many times he pushes my buttons and gets these same results, he continues to do it.

I don’t know how I’m supposed to be strong and fight through the anxiety when the person who causes me the most anxiety is the person I’m sleeping next to.

Q and A Part 2

Hello there! I needed a break from illustrating my past posts, so I figured I would do another Q and A on here since the last one was a lot of fun. Hope you enjoy 😊!

  • Any upcoming travel plans?
    Yes. Just booked Cali for October. We are holding a reservation in Chicago for September as well in case tickets for an event become available.

  • When you’re not working, how do you like to spend your time?
    Writing, creating art, creating music, getting to know people, reading, exercising, hanging with my husband and our kitties.

  • What are you reading currently? Mainly the posts of those who I follow on here. I would love to be reading more books, but I haven’t had much time these days.

  • What’s the first concert you attended?
    It was New Kids On The Block, and I was very young.

  • Where do you most hope to visit? ICELAND! I want to live there or Ireland

  • What’s your favorite book? Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince.

  • What’s your favorite 90’s show? Daria! I have the box set and watch it yearly.

  • What’s the best Halloween costume you’ve ever had? A few years ago I was Lady Luck

  • What’s your dream job? To be an eccentric billionaire and not have to work. If I had to work? Anything that enables me to help people and animals in need. I also want to save the sharks.

  • What’s your favorite word? I don’t really have one.

    • What was your first job? I worked at a family owned Italian Bakery

  • What was your first job? I worked at a family owned Italian Bakery
  • What’s one thing you’re excited about that’s coming up in 2018? Several concerts I will be attending, going back to Disneyland, and blogging more

  • What was the worst job you’ve ever had? I plead the fifth.

  • What is your most-used emoji? 😊

  • If you could change your name, what would it be? Bellatrix!

  • What movie or TV show title best describes your week? Clementine from Eternal Sunshine is me in a nutshell. My week though? I feel like my work life is reminiscent of the Office, in the sense that I am Jim and I am constantly looking for a camera to stare into as if to say, “are you guys seeing this shit?”

  • What was your favorite subject in school? Art and English

  • What’s your hidden talent? I don’t hide my talents

  • If you had to eat one thing for every meal going forward, what would you eat? Chicken Pad Thai Spice level 8

  • If someone were to play you in a movie, who would you want it to be? Christina Ricci or Wynona Rider

  • If you could spend a day in someone else’s shoes, whose would they be? Why? Someone who was really suffering, that I was trying to help. That way I could have a better understanding of what they were going through.

  • What’s one thing your mother/father taught you that completely changed your life? Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

  • What’s been on your mind lately? What hasn’t? My marriage, my cats, work, my friends, getting out of here, redecorating, the illustrations I’m working on, and the tattoo I’m getting in a month

  • What’s the first career you dreamed of having as a kid? Rockstar

  • What’s the last text you sent? “I think Winco”

  • What’s one of your favorite memories? Riding the teacups at Disney with my husband for the first time. He looked so ecstatic and his happiness was electrifying

  • What’s one thing about you that surprises people? Honestly? That I’m a genuinely nice person. Most people who don’t know me tell me they expected me to be bitchy cuz I keep more to myself until I know you.

  • Who, or what, was your biggest teacher? Life experience. Particularly the hard times.

  • What was something you’ve done that made you feel extreme happiness? I don’t know that I’ve ever truly felt extreme happiness. I’ve been happy, but not extremely happy.

  • Knowing what you know now, what advice would you give your 18-year-old self? Don’t ever let anyone else change you, and never make concessions for a man. If it feels wrong, run.

  • If you could instantly become an expert in something, what would it be? Memory manipulation! I hate that I can’t forget things! Also healing people.

  • What does success mean to you? Owning your mistakes, learning from them, and rising from the ashes of my failure better, stronger, and ignited.

  • What’s the best piece of advice you’ve ever been given? Honesty is the best policy

  • Where is your happy place? Disneyland. Chicago. My home with those I love. The NYC of my youth. This blog 💜

  • If you could invite 3 people, dead or alive, to a dinner party, who would they be, and why? The Impractical Jokers. If I could only pick 3, then I’d have to leave out Murr (sorry!), and because it would be hilarious!

  • How can someone win a gold star with you? Be honest, deep, and an overall kind person with a good heart. You can be broken and rebuilding, but if your intentions are pure and you treat me well, you’ve got a friend.

  • What energizes you and brings you excitement? Accomplishing my goals and music

  • What qualities do you value in the people with whom you spend time? Honesty, loyalty, compassion

  • For what would you be famous? Probably art or music

  • What does your dream day look like? Travel somewhere awesome and explore the hell out of it

  • What’s your guilty pleasure? Netflix

  • If you had to choose only 3 adjectives to describe yourself, which would you choose? Honest, quirky, damaged

  • What do you give a damn about? Everything

  • What is a dream you have that you’ve yet to achieve? Write something on here that someone who is struggling finds solace in

  • What’s something you say you’ll do, but never will? Nothing. I will do anything I say I will do.

  • What did you have to give up to achieve your current level of success? Nothing.

  • Has anything ever happened to you that you could not, and cannot, explain? Yes. All the time.

  • Do you ever find there are things about you that people misunderstand? Lots of things. I’m pretty complicated, but I’m also an open book. All anyone has to do is ask and not try to tell me about myself based on their misguided assumptions. I’m pretty self aware.

  • For what are you most grateful today? My husband, my cats, and my friends

  • If you could have one ‘do over’ in your life, what would you do differently? I would never have gotten involved with Snake

  • Of what are you most afraid? Hahahaha… 🐍 (the reptile, not the boy).

Thanks for reading!

Illustrate

Good Morning and Happy Saturday!

Just a quick post to announce my next project with this blog…Illustrations! I am working on comic book style illustrations for each of my posts to spruce things up. I have to go back and illustrate all of my other posts, but once that is done, all new posts will come with it’s own illustration. Check back soon!

Q and A With Lady Lazarus

In honor of my two week mark as a Blogger, I am going to answer these questions as a means to reveal myself . Hope you enjoy getting to know me better!

  • If you didn’t have to sleep, what would you do with the extra time?I would create art and music. When I needed a break, probably binge watch TV and go for a long walk.
  • What’s your favorite piece of clothing you own / owned?
    Ever? Probably my cat hoodie.

  • What hobby would you get into if time and money weren’t an issue?
    ProWrestling. I would go to school and try to get into Shimmer.

  • What would your perfect room look like? Dark, tranquil, romantic, and sexy.

  • How often do you play sports? Literally never

  • What fictional place would you most like to go? Hogwarts!

  • What job would you be terrible at? Vet because I could never put down an animal.

  • When was the last time you climbed a tree? Probably about 17 years ago

  • If you could turn any activity into an Olympic sport, what would you have a good chance at winning medal for? Hmmm… coloring hair

  • What is the most annoying habit that other people have? I can’t deal with loud chewing.

  • What job do you think you’d be really good at? Art therapy

  • What skill would you like to master? The art of not giving a fuck, and selective memorization. I have too many things in my head I need to forget but cannot.

  • What would be the most amazing adventure to go on? I’m dying to do a Route 66 road trip

  • If you had unlimited funds to build a house that you would live in for the rest of your life, what would the finished house be like? See Falling Waters by Frank Lloyd Wright

  • What’s your favorite drink? Water. If alcoholic? Red Death

  • What state or country do you never want to go back to? Washington
  • What songs have you completely memorized? Mostly every song I’ve heard more than 3x…which is a ton of them

  • What game or movie universe would you most like to live in? Harry Potter

  • What do you consider to be your best find? My best friend Haggie

  • Are you usually early or late? On time

  • What pets did you have while you were growing up? cats

  • When people come to you for help, what do they usually want help with? Everything, and I’m fine with that

  • What takes up too much of your time? Anxiety

  • What do you wish you knew more about? Anthropology

  • What are some small things that make your day better? My cats and the good people in my life. Also a really good cup of coffee

  • Who’s your go to band or artist when you can’t decide on something to listen to? Fleetwood Mac

  • What shows are you into? Black Mirror is #1 right now

  • What TV channel doesn’t exist but really should? All Disney Movies all the time

  • Who has impressed you most with what they’ve accomplished? Tommy Wiseau

  • What age do you wish you could permanently be? 21

  • What TV show or movie do you refuse to watch? Teen Mom

  • What would be your ideal way to spend the weekend? Relaxing with the kitties, date with husband, and Sunday with my bestie

  • What is something that is considered a luxury, but you don’t think you could live without? Lush Bath Bombs and Kat Von D makeup

  • What’s your claim to fame? I’m a nice person who genuinely cares about others

  • What’s something you like to do the old-fashioned way? Dating

  • What’s your favorite genre of book or movie? I don’t really have one. I’m pretty eclectic with my tastes

  • How often do you people watch? Only when with Jeffery

  • What have you only recently formed an opinion about? The realization that some people are just in general bad people

  • What’s the best single day on the calendar? Halloween!

  • What are you interested in that most people haven’t heard of? Cinema Strange

  • How do you relax after a hard day of work? With the kitties, usually reading

  • What was the best book or series that you’ve ever read? Harry Potter

  • What’s the farthest you’ve ever been from home? Living in Washington State

  • What is the most heartwarming thing you’ve ever seen? The way people in my home, NYC, came together after September 11th, and then again the way people in my current home, Las Vegas, did so after October 1st, 2017

  • What is the most annoying question that people ask you? Anything related to appearance

  • What could you give a 40-minute presentation on with absolutely no preparation? Pretty much anything I have even a vague understanding of. I have a ridiculously good memory.
  • What is something you think everyone should do at least once in their lives? Live far from home

  • Would you rather go hang gliding or whitewater rafting? Hang gliding

  • What’s your dream car? Rolls Royce Ghost

  • What’s worth spending more on to get the best? Makeup, skin care, and food.

  • What is something that a ton of people are obsessed with but you just don’t get the point of? The music of today and reality tv

  • What are you most looking forward to in the next 10 years? I try to stay in the day

  • Where is the most interesting place you’ve been? Prince Edward Island

  • What’s something you’ve been meaning to try but just haven’t gotten around to it? Tattooing and wrestling

  • What’s the best thing that happened to you last week? I realized that I am so much better off without him

    Thank you for reading!